If you go down to Earth at any time period and ask a random human how they think First Contact with an extraterrestrial civilization would go, you would get different answers every time. But all of them would have an answer. And a broken clock with ten billion hands would always be correct down to the microseconds.

Doubtless, one of them had predicted this very scenario. A gigantic, arrowhead-shaped ship shaped from thought made form, a majestic living crystallization of divine lifeblood that flowed from the realm of the gods. The unspoken beauty of the ship stunned every observing minds as she descended upon the Earth gracefully, after stepping down in elegant dance through higher plane of existence unimaginable by humans.

Lithe, dignified humanoid clad in armor radiant in its divinity descended from the ship hovering over the Japanese National Diet building, requesting to meet a particular company CEO while citing a threat vaguely implied to be somewhere between their imposed authority–or something they themselves fear.

In full view of all Japanese people, and by extension all humanity, the alien with blindingly radiant charisma spoke.

“As Aeldari we have referred to ourselves, and as Aeldari shall your people address us. Our ancient predecessors granted us dominion over all creations, and thusly we claimed our inheritance. Yet the moment we took from our great task to visit your unenlightened lands is not intended for conquest, but rather borne out of concern for your fledgling, young, and oft misguided species.”

An image, half projected to the air and half transmitted directly to the viewers’ mind, appeared in front of the alien claiming to be an Aeldari. The image showed swirling colors superimposed on the Milky Way galaxy, forming circular currents centered a third of galactic radius away from Earth–which the Aeldari had graciously marked on the map.

“Our ancient people were corrupted. By our own decadence, by our own hubris. Within the foreseeable future, surely our unbridled species be swallowed by this corruption.”

The image progressed into a time lapse, showing the chaotic swirling colors being sucked into the small dot marked as Earth.

“Until, that is, the 18.M2 year of your calendar. Our race and the entirety of the Immaterium was suddenly and inexplicably cleansed of all corruption, the nascent god that should be devouring our very essence simply vanished, as if Her Slumbering Devourer was Herself devoured. Confusion and gratitude filled the soul of every Aeldari, and we investigated the events in order to reward the hero of our people, the champion that cleansed our souls. Our collective effort, the largest cooperative project our race had undergone for millions of years, revealed a specific human to be responsible for this event. The same man we demanded your government to invite.”

The Aeldari gestured at the middle aged man, the certain CEO that the Aeldari specifically named.

“Your kind gratitude flatter me, wise Aeldari. My wish is only to bring smile to everyone that I could reach.”

“Indeed, it is precisely your noble soul and wish that purified our entire people. Yet I must ask, for it is the law of all universe that once created powerful chaos cannot simply vanish into nothingness. I fear by purifying our people, you have doomed your own. Tell us, He Who Restores Light, what did you do with the zygote of a god?”

“Our shared wish is to bring smile to all who could feel happiness, as such we have pursued to no end for an arrangement that ensures the most amount of smile possible is achieved. That pursuit of course includes us humanity as a whole, but when we stumbled upon the infant your wise people perceived as a god, we cannot betray our deepest purpose. Our wish is for a world where even the deity borne of your species’ sole largest mistake could smile in her innocence.”

“Again, I ask, what did you do with the infant of Her Ravenous Corruption?”

“We gave her a home. A life. A smile. Happiness.” The LCD projector in the room, awfully primitive compared to the Aeldari’s advanced hologram, lit up and showed an animated character.

With an ear-splitting scream, the animated character announced to the world.

“HAACHAMA-CHAMA !!!”


Yeah this is probably pretty niche piece requiring you to at least have fleeting interest in both vTubersand40K, but the idea of Haachama just being an unbridled madness bleeding from the Immaterium is just too good to be buried in the crevasses of my tiny brain.